Introduction (p. xiii-xviii)
1. It is a major premise of this book that:
a. Christian parents who use the Bible and authority to demoralize their children are not really Christians.
b. Religious families have no greater marital satisfaction than
c. It is possible to identify and correct dysfunctional family habits and break the cycle of pain and unhealthy behaviors for future
d. It is a sad reality that some family members are just never going to change.
Chapter One: All in the Family (p. 1-11)
2. Harvard’s Study of Adult Development, the world’s largest prospective
study of physical and mental health, followed Harvard graduates for more
than sixty years. It concluded that children who are ______ live longer,
more enjoyable lives, have more friends, and keep a balance between work and
b. active in sports
d. more intelligent
Chapter Two: Wired for Warmth (p. 13-21)
3. What does the author mean when she says that Bonnie “imported warmth”?
a. Bonnie wrote a note of gratitude to all the people in her life who
had given her joy and believed in her (teachers, school friends,
b. She recruited surrogate family members in the form of a supportive boss and loving church members.
c. She learned to trust God as a loving Father rather than punitive and judgmental like her violent and abusive father.
d. all of the above.
Chapter Three: Mourning Losses (p. 23-39)
4. Because of the wounds in his family’s generational history, Micah
was most terrified by
a. working a good job.
b. having to give emotional support.
c. having to communicate with others.
d. taking care of others.
5. As Micah reflected on his own abandonment by his father, he longed
to reconnect with his three sons whom he had left. Their reunion went much
better than he had expected. However, one month later, after meeting with
his 18-year-old son 2 to 3 times each week, Micah was experiencing significant anxiety over
a. possible rejection from his sons’ mothers.
b. possible rejection from his sons’ step-fathers.
c. the possibility that his son would eventually reject him.
d. never seeing his father before he died.
Chapter Four: Celebrate and Embrace Good Grief (p. 41-53)
6. In counseling, the turning point for Sharon was
a. when she realized that the extra affection her parents gave her
sister, Christine, played a large role in pampered Christine’s two
b. when her sister sincerely asked for her forgiveness for Christine having curried their parents’ favoritism and inciting Sharon’s
c. when the author lovingly rebuked her for playing the role of the family victim and encouraged her to forget the past and more
d. when she called her elderly parents, explaining the hurts they had caused her, and they took full responsibility for their wrong
7. In making a profound statement about the powerful ability of suffering
to transform one’s character and circumstances, who said, “You intended to
harm me, but God intended it for good”?
a. C.S. Lewis
b. Joseph in the Old Testament
c. Viktor Frankl
d. Sharon, the author’s client
8. According to Viktor Frankl, author of Man’s Search for Meaning,
how did survivors of Nazi concentration camps fashion hope in the midst of such great despair?
a. They escaped into an inner world of faith in God and sought identity
in spiritual values rather than circumstances.
b. They celebrated when they were transferred to a “less notorious” camp.
c. They expressed gratitude for whatever was not taken from them and savored the tiniest bits of beauty, even if just from memory.
d. all of the above.
Chapter Five: Activate a Family Freedom Formula (p. 55-71)
9. After Jesse announced his new chosen role in his family, his mother
responded with chilly silence, dropping her habit of phoning him daily.
Jesse responded to this by
a. inviting her to a Broadway play, reaffirming his commitment to her.
b. begging her to reconsider her silence, promising to do anything to win back her favor.
c. blaming her for his past cocaine addiction.
d. enacting his own silence and avoidance.
10. The author said that all relationships have exits, some overt, some
covert, some minor, some major. An exit can be a conscious or subconscious
way to avoid emotional intimacy. What were Cheryl’s exits in her marriage to
a. a secret affair and her job.
b. church and her hobbies.
c. her job, their 3 children, and her aunt.
d. television and her friends.
11. What usually happens after family members are informed of a new role
by one of its members?
a. They are curious about what caused the change, because they want to change also.
b. They get angry, even hostile.
c. They never speak to that person again.
d. They would like to know more about this new role so they can understand it.
Chapter Six: Taming the Family Tyrants (p. 73-97)
12. According to Donald G. Dutton in The Abusive Personality, the
single greatest childhood contributor to a boy growing up to become an adult abuser is
a. being rejected and shamed by his father.
b. having an alcoholic parent.
c. having one parent who is manic depressive.
d. being rejected by his mother.
13. When considering how to liberate yourself from a family destroyer,
what should you NOT do?
a. Consider what price you will have to pay in resisting the destroyer’s destructive behaviors.
b. Anticipate anger, threats, and possible retaliation when the destroyer finds out you won’t subject yourself to destructive behavior
c. Limit the destroyer’s physical and emotional access to you.
d. Give lengthy explanations to the family destroyer about why you are setting firm limits.
Chapter Seven: Reach for Connection (p. 99-125)
14. Why did the author open her family counseling session with Wade,
Lana, Rita, and Skip by asking each of them to tell a positive quality or
fond memory about one another?
a. She did not believe in the helpfulness of exploring family wounds.
b. Even though Wade had committed adultery, the author felt sorry for him and wanted to shield him from the verbal abuse he was
suffering and from his wife and children.
c. She wanted to steer them away from their tendency to exaggerate the bad in others while inflating their own goodness.
d. She had had a long, exhausting day in counseling and wanted to hear some good news for a change.
15. Relationship experts John Gottman and Nan Silver, authors of The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work, recommend “repair
attempts” that couples can use to keep their “negativity from escalating
out of control.” Which of the following do they recommend?
a. injections of humor into stressed conversations.
b. expressions of agreement or sympathy during disputes.
c. an admission of guilt or a timely apology.
d. all of the above.
16. Like Wade’s family, sometimes family members will join together
against another member. What is an effective thing Wade could do about his
children aligning with Lana against him?
a. confront Lana about her disloyalty.
b. use avoidance to get Lana’s attention.
c. punish the children for aligning with their mother.
d. spend one-on-one time with each child.
17. What can be done about unrepentant family members who habitually use
grudges, anger, resentment, emotional blackmail, rejection, and hatred to
continually wound and violate other members?
a. Keep trying to be friends with these members because the Bible commands us to always forgive others.
b. find someone who can get through to them.
c. find surrogate “heart-warmers” instead.
d. pray for tragic circumstances to jolt them out of their evil ways, as
king David did in the Psalms.
Chapter Eight: WoW! Faith Families (p. 127-143)
18. The author argues that those who relate to God as a loving, caring Father, like Ben Carson and Emily did,
a. will be healed by God, even of a terminal illness.
b. are sustained by hope and joy, even during great suffering.
c. have no greater resistance to anxiety and depression than others.
d. are more materially successful and prosperous than others.
Appendix: Test Your Family Transformation IQ (p. 161-180)
19. The story about Sally and her brothers (Case 4) teaches that over-
responsibility by one family member
a. helps the other members behave responsibly also.
b. was learned at an early age.
c. breeds under-responsibility in other family members.
d. helps to keep a diverse family together.
20. In Case 12, how should Jim have responded when his wife, Cherry,
insisted on their family spending every Christmas with her parents?
a. He should have refused to go and just stayed home for Christmas.
b. He should plan to take their children every other Christmas to his parents, inviting his wife to go with them.
c. He should capitulate to her demands just to keep peace.
d. He should keep a written record of other unreasonable things she has done and show this to her.
EIGHT TRANSFORMING HABITS
1. Warm your heart through nurturing relationships.
2. Explore and resolve wounds from family members.
3. Find reason to celebrate, even in your grief.
4. Define your own role in your extended and nuclear family.
5. Minimize the family tyrant's power over you.
6. Seek one-on-one relationships with each member of your family.
7. Embrace a vibrant connection with God.
8. Exercise judicious generosity.